the rudder chronicles.

as my core still burns from the fallout with my dad. i will try to post this with all fairness.
i will fail terribly, but nobody will disagree with me cos its my blog.

today during the light winds, giba asked us to sail without rudder, and since my rudder is so old, i had to remove it completely because it cant stay out of the water by itself. i capsized downwind and it sank. okay basically that summed my day up. my old rudder, and manyis tiller and tiller extension. now who wouldnt be bummed after this?

okay so now rudder can nvm. but manyis tiller and tiller ex cos about 200-400 quid so must repay her right? reflex one: ask parents i happily tell dad what happened admit its my fault..and ask him to pay for a new one. no. brilliant. so i offer to take a loan from him $400. next time u take a loan from me there'll be interest. before i give you the loan, what are you going to do about you cutting down partying and spending? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED QUITTING SAILING? okay now dont ask me to be nice from here onwards k? i mean, what kinda dad would say that? loan his son money? MAYBE. charge interest? sounds like a good financial planner and theoretically good. but HOW WOULD YOU FEEL MAN? fucking heart broke into two. nobodys came close dad. but you broke my heart. now im crying but how can i have no expectations of my very own father? i know he loves me but cant he see that the way in which his tough love shows realy isnt working?
i mean:
2400 on a laptop
7000 due for my boat
im not rich uknow.. not like him. but i realise every time i need to get something. i ask him first. why? cos he's my dad. is that wrong? is that abnormal? and if it isnt, why does he always do this financial planner, lifestyle manager thing on me? I DID NOT OVERSPENT MY ALLOWANCES. the amount does not matter. sailing does not matter. nothing matters. if you treat me like this. does anyone know? that if my dad stopped funding my education, i'd be perfectly fine, because im mentally prepared for it? does anyone know? he's taken so much away from me i've stopped counting? DOES ANYONE KNOW? that it hurts now cos when i was younger he was the best dad in the world?



even when the fibreglass and carbon sank into the sea, i didnt know that back home, something beating within me sank far deeper.