Penn 4

before i begin, i resolve to give this post some structure and sequence. ramble is okay, but i shall attempt to give them some order today.

current situation: not showered after 2 tennis session, a cycling trip and lots of sun.

tekong week just passed. started great, ended crap. noteworthy was the times i spent swinging on my hammock, unable to sleep and being induced into a thinking phase. honestly, i've been thinking about girls predominantly. i shall try to persuade you people that my life is more than that, maybe its because i got hurt. thought about how my impression of them were/are. have u ever thought that girls u know as friends are alot more than just that.? they are sisters to some, and soulmate to some, and confidante to some. u get my point. but most importantly, they're also a daughter to their daddys. and how dear are they to their daddys?. terribly. can u give them what their daddys think they deserve?. oh my, just thinking of that, i felt bad. i dont know why. probably works the same with moms and sons, but i understand guys so i didnt have to grapple with that. people with girlfriends probably dont have this issue.
somehow i felt that my fingers are deserting me. not being able to convey my thoughts effectively gives me less faith in blogging and typing. but i must maintain this outlet to speak my thoughts.
something easier, more objective.
three trainees got caught tampering with my ammunition on friday. i swear they are gonna get it. caused so much inconvenience. such stupidity. why why why??
week ended with my boss angry too. no good. i dont have to suck up to him but i prefer him happier than mad. he can turn from friend to foe double quick time.
course ending on wed. thinking of ord while the others already have. hmph.

OH YES. haha....i was at the Bunker (tekong specs mess) on thursday playing on a pool table with snooker balls. basically lined seven balls equally spaced along the length of the table and with a ball in hand, had a competition to see who could clear the balls in the least no. of shots. started with my record of eighteen. everyone got so pumped up the numbers started tumbling, with sgt navind bragging bigtime and putting his skill where his mouth was, doing it in eleven shots. suddenly, i did it in seven. wooohoo. u have no idea how happy i was then. i was stunned. heh adrenaline rush. then realised how competitive i am, sth alot of people dont know.seven, btw was like one ball potted per shot. so unless u can hit two balls in in one shot, its a tall order to beat. THAT, together with the zhong ji mi ma game we played where to losers had to eat a cake (nightsnack)and everyone was stuffing their sorry faces with cake, was hilarious. those were the few moments i really didnt mind being decked out in handsome green.=]

need to settle my NUS admission tmr. I MUST TAKE A PHOTO OF MY FACE AND STICK IT ON A FORM. yes, things to be done.
phone bills down, courses ending, ORDs coming soon. things must be looking up right? -smile-

played dota yday with zg greg jh and shaun yday. where we beat this other clan by a really small margin. damn shiok to beat them. once again, winning a tough fight seems like one of those things u live for.

im gonna reveal one of my most guarded opinions of myself now, because i have to get over it, not keep it to myself. jh is probably the only one here who'd know so ask him.
essentially cai was a lousy cadet in the nine months in OCS. his ranking would tell you that already. he didnt have a good time mostly, not say hated, but had a horrible buddy in sulaiman, who probably hated me as well. didt perform as well as expected, put in effort but youknow how when things arent going good doesnt really matter how much effort you put.. i really LOATHE to think people would think i dont deserve to be commissioned. but maybe they're right?. i was fucked up. not like super fucked up. but i know i couldve done better. army's not for me but why did i fall so short then?. no mother to feed?. no bed to get good sleep?. doubt so, just a bad case of not being to accept my fate and make the best of it. i dont know why it didnt improve as time went by. strange. looking back, it must have been the worse effort i've come up with of all time. worse than getting 11 points for my "O" levels back in VS where i let myself down. university wont be the same. ask jh about my performance in echo. even my best friends would admit my performance was barely ordinary. having said that, i've done bad, somewhere between 30-40 people who i've spent some great moments with think im fucked up. okay fine. at some junctures i was. least i can face it and move on. my greatest strength is identifying mistakes and not repeating them. armed with that, i'll do fine. doesnt apply in the PR sector, but i'll figure that part out in another post.

save some stuff in my head for another time. meanwhile, pls listen to john mayer's song:daughters