bent on loving.

probably gonna meet the guys now. new years eve couldnt be more dreary.
but then again, wet and gloomy new years eve are commonplace.

feeling inadequate, feeling like i'd rather be somewhere else.
where im more useful, more needed.

gramaphone

woot. hey hey.
hehehe.... my coms finally fixed. got graphics card installed, motherboard installed. and internet like a thoroughbred. went through pains to achieve this. but finall.
yea...thanks to dad, keong for helping..and myself for persevering.
kinda explaining why i havent blogged for so long, but okay.

oh btw, for tho gizmo half fucks out there, apparent nVIDIA and ATI dont get along. so its like trying to make enemies work, possible but takes some doing first.heh.

xmas was cool. definitely more and more sombre as the years go, so doing the lil adjustments here and there. got cash for the gift exchange..nvm next year i'll get a gift.
we're the FCUK gang man..hehe...cept me. been dotaing lots. need to find sth new already.
new years coming and i look forward to 2005.

here's what i did okay. in the year 2004. worth remembering of course.
not to forget that tsunamis and stuff remind you of the big picture. hearts out to all victims. life's fragile, we all know that.

jan 04 i was in OCS
Feb- March i was doing JCC in brunei.
April i brought swanlynn to comms ball, ritz again. oh wait, i commissioned too..haha
May i did RCC and became instructor.
June i passed my jeep course and got a driving license. the military sort.
July lingyu came back and we got together, for around 4 months. learnt alot from that. thats life.
August was my first course and i sucked at it.
October minus my birthday was forgettable.

heh most of the stuff happened in the first few months for sure.
life goes on, and i look back at 04 as a year things couldve been better, but i tried my best always, and as always i learnt. i'll carry these lessons along in my body parts like mind and heart, and i feel stronger already.

okay xmas is over, here's my bounty after shopping

edt from sasa 5 bottles, 60$
zara shoes 159$
renoma and bum boxers 30$
two chinese cds 40$
2 giordano corduroy pants $69
starbucks tumbler for dad 18.90$
headphones from harvey norman 20$
warcraft 3 battle chest(pending) 70$
fcuk rattle my bones tee for gift ex 50$
topman tee (my fav buy) 35$
the rest i cant remember actually if any.

freebies other than cash are the 3 shirts my sis bought me from hongkong..heh=]=]
im glad my coms in order, another thing settled. now i wish Everything in my life would settle, until i need some change, then a can try to stabilize everything again. and repeat process over and over again till i die.

IT DOES NOT

OK?

release!

my mind screams i love you.

my inner self screams i love you.

where do i go to find release?

my emotions need a punching bag


i wanna revisit the old days, old feelings and old you.
tho not very old. but i miss it already. dont stop. dont let my words get in the way
im not particularly wonderful with those

Vitxicam Gel 0,5%

im such a slack, im such a bum.
thanks shaun. thanks ian.
nothing beats the friends u have sitting with you, laughing at each of their silliness. and the nice bak chor mee uncles leaving us alone for 2 hours odd, as we discussed infidelity to infinite love. from dota to WOW. jianhong left, shaun came back, sis left, mom came back.
its telling isnt it?. how its a cycle, and u can choose to make the best of it for just break out it.

my friday was interesting indeed.
met ian for some lan, and once it was over we were about to head back before shaun SUddenly appeared while we were drawing cash at the usual place. headed to bak chor mee for a few hours. and i got a call from sis asking me if i wanted to send her off. "sure!" and off me and shaun were to T1 counter1. by the time we were done with breakfast and chitty chatty, he took 24 and i took 36. 730-1130. sleep.
ahhh....orgasmic sleep. <---just an expression for all you overeducated fools.
went to the doctor to get an mc without my 11b, so cash i duly paid. for my irresponsibility. price? 10.80$
haha this time around something intangible was quantified. i loved it, and gladly paid.

came home and chatting on the phone. yikkity yakkity for abit, then the sofa engulfed me in a warm 4 hour embrace. bliss.


lastly, heres what came out of a interesting conversation about love, something which discussion never made better all the time. just clock fodder.

ian and shaun think u cant love a girl after a short period of time, example 2 months.
i couldnt agree. look! lau's love lasts longtime.

lau could be wrong, ian and shaun could be wrong too.
and scarily, i could be wrong.
but my stand is, each person makes his own definition and opinion on love is.
and some treasure and cherish, while others treat it fleetingly and rubbish it.
and everybody likes to paint their own picture, cos its alluring, painting your OWN picture. and believing in it. and something intangible like love, its so fun to try to put a finger on it isnt it?.

im thinking as i type, and this thought suddenly pooped into the brain.
if everyone wrote and verbally expressed what is it they want, will the world be a better place.
because most crimes and mistakes happened within the persons mind, with that psycho look of someone lost in space. but what if the thoughts were thought out out loud?. would anybody objectively say, "IM GONNA ROB THAT BANK FOR MONEY!!"
or rather " IM GONNA STEAL OF OLD WITCHS MONEY IN THE LIFT WITH A KNIFE!"
unlikely right?.
hahaha poop in my brain.
simply put, say what u want.
and say it out loud, for fear of your mind messing it up.

theories of the new

it seems like a always come up with theories whenever there's a new pressing issue on my mind.

i just only wish everyone would read the latest one. because once this latest post comes out, the post titled "brainstorms" will be banished to the archives.

my leg isnt doing too good. and i've got work to do which is seriously bugging me.
i wanna buy and play dota at home.
so i gotta fix my graphics card and motherboard now.
ciao.

sudden realisation.

this is one alright.

having my life engulfed with so many things lately, revelling in the business and the bustle.
definitely good cos boredom is worse than death.

there's a slight glitch tho, inherant and unavoidable due to the lack of hours in a day.
there's so many friends i care about which i havent showed them i do lately.
and its very sad cos some of them are close friends, friends for any season, and most importantly, friends for a lifetime. friends of chance, friends of fate, friends of circumstance, friends from school, amry, sailing, work, family, friends friends which in turn became my friends, randomnest, and finally friends who care.

here's a list offhand of those who come to mind...not too many first. i didnt forget you if u deserve to be here. i can only try to add ALL.

firstly: sengleong. my best friend in many ways. known him since i was pri5. gem.
shulin. i know u sincerely care. and i can only feel guilty that i dont show it more than i do. look at michelle. she no give two hoots. hope canada's great.
alvin. at least i see you quite alot. even tho you're in ocs and in taiwan now. somone whose humor could only be appreciated by me.
farhan. thanks to you i have both malay and indian friends. but seriously, someone who can use his aura to crush your soul. overtly cool but bothers. amazing.

okay enough. dont wanna add more chapalang dudes to the list.
these are the dudes im not in constant contact with. so for those who are, like ian, who's busy sleeping on my bed on my pillo like a log. yes. u already know. i sms you and see you so much its gay. haha...



finally, there's release.=]

fantastic

THIS GROOK WAS MADE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO FOR ALL I CARE.

IT WAS MADE FOR ME WITH ME IN MIND.
a winner.

ON BEING ONESELF
Good resolution grook

If virtue
can't be mine alone
at least my faults
can be my own.

CLIP FILE

i got ... ok lemme count 3 calls from a mysterious person between 12 and one pm today.

oh with regards to the last angsty post. im not pissed anymore.
not the kind to bear grudges... and the sun kissed back is soothing.

sentosa. ah. pain.
haha..

gee whiz

i have encountered a few problems lately.
im gonna share a few of those with whoever can be bothered.
im not really pissed. but im just amazed by how screwed up things could be.
this time its so bad its funny, which is a good thing.

how come i cant install both my motherboard and graphics card.
does it mean i can only have either sound or a smooth picture?

how come kristie can agree to going out at ten, only for me to call at nine forty to find out she's a fullerton with another guy?. ya sure! she says. and im like oh shit im gonna be late. okay no problem. i'll just take a cab home. hey can u be there at ten?. oh weiguo u sound so tired i think u should stay home to rest. (or something to that effect)
im sorry to say this, but the cumulative effect of not seeing someone for so many months kinda got wiped away faster than the time it takes for me to hit the delete key.

someone was supposed to call. then i lay in bed waiting for a call. i lay in bed for a call. and i lay in bed for a call.
no call?. sleep.

i'm beginning to feel indifferent and skeptical and cynical about my friends.
commander's 6 hour talk in the lecture room shouldve been longer. the mental torture is a pittance compared to rushing home for nothing.

on a good note,
i got tonnes of sleep. thanks sue.
i got a BEAUTIFUL sunrise to catch, and only for me to catch cos u guys just wake up either facing walls or concrete slabs containing more people.
im going sentosa today for the afternoon because im forced to go. (oh the pain!)
i got jianhong.
i got greg.
and last but not least, i gotta freaking long weekend. and guess what?
its to myself.

WEB SHOPPING GUIDE

SOCIAL MECHANISM

When people always
try to take
the very smallest
piece of cake
how can it also
always be
that that's the one
that's left for me?

piet hein. what a lovely gift from you.

brainstorms

theory of the new:

at this age, we're all not ready for a lifelong partner.
so as u grow up, u change partners as you go, just biding time till u reach the phase when u truly are ready.

its irrefutable isnt it?

and if so, why not make it nice and sweet always.