something is fundamentally wrong with you

FUCK

I SWEAR I'VE FUCKING HAD IT WITH MY MOM.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH MAN.

STOP DOING THIS TO ME.
ITS BLOODY SELFISH BEHAVIOUR
HIDING BEHIND YOUR "ALL I WANT IS THE BEST FOR YOU"

IF YOU WANT WHATS BEST, START NOW.
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.
STOP STICKING TO YOUR OLD METHODS AND FUCKING START NOW.
CHANGE NOW.




dont make me walk out.

tell me if you disagree

cos sometimes i feel, that once you let her know u're not getting into a relationship anytime soon.

they dont see any reason to talk to you anymore.
not exhaustive of course, but some girls are like that.
keyword: some.






if only they'd stick around.

-_-

had a bad day.

guess these follow after good ones.








noone's blogging anymore
...

not yet an epiphany, maybe just a thought.

"im living a pseudo-world where i can have any girl i want."


based on that statement i made about myself, which isnt far from the truth.
this makes me seem like a self-obsessed person.
nothing too fresh isnt it?



but the problem doesnt lie with being self obsessed,
but with the mere fact that i want every girl there is to want.
something for me to ponder, something for me to fix.

it is not a lie,
to say that i lie and wait,
to find the answers
to where problems lie.
because i had an epiphany,
on my bed.

richard branson

some people do not understand.


that as much as life is a stage, acting gets you through the superficial parts.
but the quality of your conversations and interactions come from who you are inside.
the conscious acting can get you hardly far enough. and the truth is people who truly act do it for the sake of mocking those who dont understand what they are acting for.


truth is, is you wanna improve in a social setting, what makes you genuinely better is not genuinely acting better, but making some changes under the skin and in the head. which makes the difficulty beyond the reach of everyone.

perhaps im referring to you.

beauty in the breakdown

if u wanna commit suicide please ask me for help
i can accelerate the process.


so anyway this post is for one person basically.

happy birthday claire. i hope u see this sooner rather than later.
21 years old and a head screwed on pretty tight. good stead for the next few decades.


hope u have a good one.

soccer

uknow how a pre match practice for big clubs pits the probables and the possibles?


in my book, there are 22 of them.

the improbables vs the impossibles.

CHEESED OFF!

fuck.

not like my day went awesome.



lost in tennis 6-0 6-3.
and its eating me alive.
im competitive can? angry.

exersize.

wow amazing.

a light gym workout cos i havent been training in ages.
2.5 hrs.

dinner which was $4 duck rice.

then another 2.5 hrs of tennis.




now my belt buckle has gone down one hole and i feel great.

triple whammy.

michelle loh something something. wahlao.traumatise.


first she tell me to blog at sea because i supposedly killed someone today and sailed away. obviously cannot right? she say use pacific internet.


then because i went to ubi for driving lessons, she asked me if i impressed the instructor with my drive to drive. get it? faint.


then i ask her why shes so lame today she said she had lame duck for dinner.
its not even funny michelle loh.







that aside, my day was awesome. maybe it was cos i slept at 9pm last night. i know its atrocious. 9pm. i got up between 3-4am to iron my clothes but i had so much sleep i was walking on sunshine today. smiling in between my chores. nice!
i am abit sorry to sue-ann cos i forgot we were having dinner tonight and makes me a shitty friend cos who the hell forgets a date with the paparazzi??
sorry sue. u should expect the usual present the next time we meet. hint, its pink and sweet.

transfer me to research mr soh. thats all i want for this week.

my neighbour rocks.

thanks jennifer for the ben and jerry's icecream.

even though u dont wanna marry me,
u're still frigging awesome lah!

ai xiang yi zhen feng.

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


new everything!

had a nice week.
i'll try to rank everything in terms of awesome ness ok?
lets go.

1. dad said i have the choice to take honours or dbl major.
2. dad said he might stay in shanghai and help me get an attachment with sewon.
3. berns party last night was awesome lah. so many people.
4. dota.
5. having a slack week at work though im dreading tmr.
6. almost completion of selling my boat.


whoopee.
like a groupee.
haha i had to try not to bounce whilst typing the first two points.


-----------------------------

on another note.
remember this book i keep harping on.
i like to give my own inputs on it lah. so even if u think u know all about THE GAME.
its still not a total waste.

so, mr neil claims that in the push-pull world of dating,
these a technique called the freezeout.
you basically dont talk to a girl.
dont sms dont call dont even look into her face.
and wait for her to respond first.


freezing out is fun shit.
cos you half expect her not give a damn either.
and its cool.
cos when people freeze you out, they dont really want you back either.

week3

weekends are awesome,

just came from a good game of dota where me and greg and ian kicked some ass.
sorry mark i know u read this but i lost my last 4 games before work started so let me feel happy abit ok?. your meepo quite pro also got killed only twice then ur two reaver basically unstoppable already.

anyways. greg's parents treated to a very good meal at al forno awhile ago.
and kristie canceled for good measure cos of rain.
later we'll be headed to berns place for her birthday celebration and every mother's son will be there cos bern's such a hot chick. (happy birthday bern)
she doesnt read this.

so anyway, been thinking of the future alot. and its pretty challenging. and im totally stoked about doing it when i graduate. oh well.
have a good weekend you all.
loathes of love.

working life

week 2.


and its all good.
it doesnt feel awesome. like going out with people everyday.
and feeling popular or wanted.

but its exactly the lifestyle change i needed. if im happy all the time, i aint gonna make those life decisions properly. i need to be in a sombre state, unaffected by happiness or sadness.


eat sleep work . thats my life. lunch with whoever im eating with is like the most happening thing which happened to me everyday.

and a call from sue ann is like the closest i got to female contact this week.
after a great high, coming down can be so enjoyable too.
now i just say im too tired after work. milk my rest for what its worth.
until i feel like a hermit again.








readers: lets split you into 2.
first come here read and judge me. so u feel better about your life and how its better than mine.

second type comes here regardless of whether i blog or not. hoping for some catch up or new info cos meeting up can be difficult and a little voyeurism never killed anyone.



okay last point, which i think matters. but doesnt matter so much cos i dont put it in bold, caps lock, or in colour. uknow how paragraphing, using styles and fonts can make an article so much more interesting?
yeah i never do that on my blog. cos i cant be bothered.
but sometimes, i do that with girls, to portray that image.
and someties, i dont. whichever the case. there's only one cai.

hope he's good enough for you.

not too bad. not so bad

read previous post. see the book i was reading? THE GAME?

yeah juliana and sarah were planning to give me that book for my birthday in 05! two frigging years ago. when it comes to books, im clearly wols.
so anyway. PERFECT TIMING. brilliant. now i have my own bible copy. not some lame paperback. throw in a copy of Playboy.

i have two reads! Playboy and The Game. seriously.










okay besides that, i think life has gotten alot clearer.
sailing wise and career wise. i've gotten back to knowing what i want.
its given me tremendous pleasure. but im not telling you what they are sorry.


only justin wong and shawn tan know. haha.

trying times

it has been, and will be difficult times for me for the next two months.

im glad im suffering now. cos its gotta stop sometime.
and now's a good time.


bite the bullet cai.
sunshine will come in soon.



it is a stupid idea to contemplate finding a girlfriend.
if you cant be financially responsible, let alone independent.
watch how i ride this wave. because it will seem like nothings happened.
but underneath the surface, its all coming back to me now.



im beginning to see it. a tougher me. motivation and direction.
driving. financial security. stuff like this make it possible for me to achieve my real dreams. this post is about my bank account numbers. its gonna hit 0 ladies and gentlemen. its happening right here. real time.



been reading THE GAME, by neil strauss. finished up the 2nd chapter today.
i might even go borders after work each day to finish it up. its an interesting read. for guys, its useful if we can internalise it. for girls its even more useful cos they can read and understand what they are truly looking for. i recommend it.
dont be an ACF when u can be a PUA.

okay okay

hi,
im blogging from isaacs house.
its the first weekend since ive started work so thats why not much time/energy to post very much either. but as usual, much has happened which i feel is important in my life.

jason is right next to me breathing down my neck. its very unnerving cos he;s reading it and not saying anything. go away. thanks.
i said GO AWAY. hahaha

had a big argument with my mom this evening over dinner and its contributed to my horrible mood. thanks to shar for listening. sorry i wasnt at the right place to be there for you, but u know i'd like to reciprocate. preferably u have no such problems even better.

federer beat davydenko with some serious talent and no form. its like holy shit.
he played like shit, and set up his first match point with a second serve ace. he no know the meaning of respect.

paintball tmr and hopefully i heal in time cos im not feeling too good. exacerbated by argument.

anyway with regards to relationships, im taking a break. im not proud of my dying reputation, for those who dont know its dying.
well, time to have one or have none.
either ways im signing out and headed back to the real world.





i wish i was as bad as everyone perceived me to be, then i wouldnt have to feel misjudged.

batam stares right back

waiting for ms tsao and mr baey to call me.

sounds very cute the two of them

sentosa for bizad gathering.

maybe some cafe del mar too.

oh well. im just gonna lie down and rolex.


no more quick fix. lets get to the root directories and get this life back on track.


oh btw, for tennis fans, go read nadal's blog on www.atptennis.com

he's actually got a sense of humor. playstation WAH.

whats real and whats not.

wow.
and they say life is boring.
and think its challenging. cos life always pans out differently from how i perceived it to. like now its just crazy. i was so sure. so confident. and then God throw all the notions right out the window.

my life occurs in phases. in a cyclical manner. for example. good, bad, good, bad etc and each phase lasts for say, 2 months?


so lam's birthday was damn power. it was on the 64th flor of republic plaza and was damn atas lah. her mom is damn cool. free flow of alcohol is damn cool. and dinner was the coolest. lobster and steak. honestly no culinary teamwork there. but its like putting gold and jade together. u basically feel damn shiok anyway.

we went down to o-bar after that where the rnb is seriously quite power.
sorry ah i realise i keep saying power. maybe its cos mark's always telling me he's malay and has special power.
then spize for supper. all in all it was an awesome day.



okay now to balance it all up.
the month of may 2007 is honestly the most frivolous month of my life.
wanton spending without a care in the world. doing whatever and whenever i want. its bascially been very exciting and very trying at the same time.
i've been learning more about myself and feeding myself at the same time. as well as doing all the inan household chores i've come to see as a routine.
i've gone to mambo for every week since the exams ended. dinners outside have seen no end, and my bank balance has dwindled to levels unacceptable to live with.
on one hand i feel like shit shit. on the other i feel like i've totally maxed out my holidays.

so after all thats said and done, i'm not clubbing from today onwards so dont ask me.
dont tempt me. be cai's friend. thanks.
only exception is claire's birthday. which i promised her months ago.
but the key is. TODAY. my lifestyle changes.
work starts on monday. and i jolly well start shaping up.
save money, quiet nights, few close friends. and hopefully a renewed focus on the things in life which matter.

note to self

in the game of pushing and pulling.

the most important rule is to always be prepared to lose everything.
then u'll be fine.


pretty much like fishing innit.

i've been tagged

In response to the Left-Handed Hummingberd.
good you've resumed blogging! err i know im doing this less than an hour after u tagged me, just coincidence k. in true fact im stalking you.
haha LOL OMG WTF ROFLMAO.

okay im supposed to post 6 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT MYSELF.

1. i check out girls ankles. i really care quite a big deal about those. i mean like, there's the face, the legs, the body, the assets and liabilities. and yeah there's the ankles. dont worry i purposely omitted personality and character. its just the shape of it and how it moves when she uses her legs. for those with no clue what im talking about, some extra info would be that fat girls can have nice ankles. and the worse case scenario for a guy like me would be cankles. calf+ankles.


2. i love rubbing my bruises. uknow those which are latently there but invisible? yeah i rub them so hard if im sitting there doing nothing. masochistic lah slightly. to give u an idea of how hard i rub it, usually the skin starts getting too thin and it might bleed. or i rub it till i yell in pain. then when the big red circle comes out in its full glory, i feel satisfied with myself. kinda like now. got two to rub at.

3. i dont like walking down. my lifts serves either the even or odd floors. and i live on the 20th floor. so if the EVEN lift is not available, i'd take the ODD lift to the 19th floor and walk up. NEVER to the 21st and down. not even when im carrying my bike. perhaps only once when i was so sick i felt like i was going to die. yeah. once.

4. i can do some funny ass things with my body. i'm sure some of you have seen it. its the most inane thing but it gets people laughing for a while so i keep those muscles fresh in case i ever need em. basically, i can move my nose and ears at will. tandem, one after another, u name it. and yeah my kneecap is fully rotating too. the doc said its not tight. i told him im not a virgin. see it if u got the chance. while stocks last.


ok thats all the weirdshit about me k. ling how'd u get to 6???? u must be weird. like out of this world weird. oh btw, i got the bad english thing too. but its not my weird obssesion. its cos u lent me that book. lynne truss that anal bitch. she didnt have to make us anal too uknow.

i tag sue, ppd, matt(icesleet), jinx and clairepants.

im not sure if its just me.

usually when i stop talking to someone.


i feel damn awesome when i see that person moving on after a while.
even though u know they will.


because i'd know i'd made the right choice.


woo new bf. woo u're happy woo.
and deep down im like woo.
woo!