the rudder chronicles.

as my core still burns from the fallout with my dad. i will try to post this with all fairness.
i will fail terribly, but nobody will disagree with me cos its my blog.

today during the light winds, giba asked us to sail without rudder, and since my rudder is so old, i had to remove it completely because it cant stay out of the water by itself. i capsized downwind and it sank. okay basically that summed my day up. my old rudder, and manyis tiller and tiller extension. now who wouldnt be bummed after this?

okay so now rudder can nvm. but manyis tiller and tiller ex cos about 200-400 quid so must repay her right? reflex one: ask parents i happily tell dad what happened admit its my fault..and ask him to pay for a new one. no. brilliant. so i offer to take a loan from him $400. next time u take a loan from me there'll be interest. before i give you the loan, what are you going to do about you cutting down partying and spending? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED QUITTING SAILING? okay now dont ask me to be nice from here onwards k? i mean, what kinda dad would say that? loan his son money? MAYBE. charge interest? sounds like a good financial planner and theoretically good. but HOW WOULD YOU FEEL MAN? fucking heart broke into two. nobodys came close dad. but you broke my heart. now im crying but how can i have no expectations of my very own father? i know he loves me but cant he see that the way in which his tough love shows realy isnt working?
i mean:
2400 on a laptop
7000 due for my boat
im not rich uknow.. not like him. but i realise every time i need to get something. i ask him first. why? cos he's my dad. is that wrong? is that abnormal? and if it isnt, why does he always do this financial planner, lifestyle manager thing on me? I DID NOT OVERSPENT MY ALLOWANCES. the amount does not matter. sailing does not matter. nothing matters. if you treat me like this. does anyone know? that if my dad stopped funding my education, i'd be perfectly fine, because im mentally prepared for it? does anyone know? he's taken so much away from me i've stopped counting? DOES ANYONE KNOW? that it hurts now cos when i was younger he was the best dad in the world?



even when the fibreglass and carbon sank into the sea, i didnt know that back home, something beating within me sank far deeper.

cite me.

sometimes being a guy and being slightly emotionally retarded comes in handy.
dot says guys do have they periods every month too. when they dont feel man enough and get all wimpy. thank god im too dumb to know THAT.

give me a hand. http://kevan.org/johari?name=caitaokuay

eat junk fuud still can grow so tall, lifes unfair.  

once done, go to SMUs SESS to compile report. sharing room with PLAYER.. 

its blur but here's some of the garments worn in Peninsula Malaysia 

Cavenagh Bridge. some less visited places in Singapore 

behind is a keris. weapons of the old. should have a duel with indiana jones. 

some artifacts from Vietnam in their Bronze Age. 

statuettes of Buddha found in Thailand. 

Asian Civilisations Museum visit for my SEA proj.  

thats singapore river and flags flying at half mast 

sundried on bamboo poles

heyyyyyy people.
i know i've been out of action for awhile...thanks for those who still pop by for a read even though u havent been getting one. think of all the times you clicked on my blog when u were bored. and all you saw were my fugly legs. SORRY ALL.
i've been a tad selfish and all.

i lost the selections to colin and vic for the asians which was really disappointing... considering i won the first two races. my sailing fell apart as the breeze came up. but i gotta keep on going, learning and improving and be a champ.. gotta train smarter from here. the regattas really help my learning and i make far too many mistakes to really have any sortof competitive edge in the field. that was the major disappointment.

birthdays: giba, liwen, eugene, greg, charles, mandy.
in chronological order. happy birthdays to you guys. 60,19,22,22,22 and 20=]
if i missed out yours please remind me here. dont need paiseh i will apologise and try to upgrade my hard disk in my head.

school: is good. this term break is really important to my grades this sem. so next few days please see that i study ok? also nice to my friends in school who give me rides(ian) and the friend whose room is always open for chilling and guitaring(you know who you are)=] bowling was quite fun on friday after school. my score was 66 and 165 for two games. giving me an average of. cb wheres my calculator? 115 haha.


on another note, this blog will not only just be a blog. but it will also act as a journal where i can reflect and ponder on which stage of my sailing career i am at, and when im a few years down i can see how much i've progressed and know chronologically how todays events have shaped who i am in future.
today the thing i learnt about myself is that im quite narcissistic.

no photoshop here. you got two tone shirt, i got two tone leg. 

karma cameleon

i found out today:

there is a subtle different between different types of happiness.

no.1: i win a regatta which is important
damn happy can shout in delight. sleep peacefully at night.

no.2: she looks at me from the back window of the car she's in.
she isnt a friend of mine. i smile to myself for one whole day.

happy, but different.
and good karma goes a long way, everyday.

isnt it a wonder?

could it be possible i found myself again?

that something so simple could slip in and out of my grasp so easily?

now i know that everyday u live life with full control is a good day indeed.

and the feeling that noone can stop you except yourself is powerful indeed.

being me is good again!

back with a bang

check this vid out. shes almost as good as me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57DDWtb7mP0

questions, and they're all about us.

what if the people you fell in love with and didnt work out with,

are the last people you'd ever fall in love with?

what if God only gave me so many people to cross my path,

have i run out of people to fall in love with?

Dont let them fool you.

Happiness

-to be happy is a transient state of being.

too little happiness causes depression.
too much happiness creates delusion.

catch 22? no..

everytime when faced with choice, ask yourself "is this the best choice?"
will this make me the happiest?

answer it the best way you can, but ultimately, having the choice already made you a happy person. and between depression and delusion, carry on walking the fine line, but know that its about making the most of the happy moments, and riding out the not-so-happy ones.
with as much dignity and grace as you can muster.